was wonderin a lot today.. thou was like in a daze...

handlin family affairs...
y no one tag my blog...
when e scars will heal...
when i can reali sing till i drop..
stare at e nite sky with a whole moon and stars shinin..
when i can eva gain freedom...
when will i find my goal...

sometimes i wonder to myself.. is life so empty tt its feels like i can juz end it in a snap... readin xiao mei's blog abt e army fella being an idiot... i think to myself and wonder.. is she e only one tt he can gave up his life juz for her? hmmm mayb... as i think bk...

a person came to mind... brother(bio bro la)... he was actually one of e few i most look up to when i was young.. cuz he was born with a sort of like a slow mind.. plus.. his forehead has a scar.. he got it when he was a kid while playin with my sis.. think was like a 10 over stiches in e hospital... we grew up play bball most of e time.. thou he only started play when he was only sec 2.. was fun seein him play... kinda miz those times... now.. he has been away frm home for a yr plus.. well.. not say away frm sg.. but away frm this house i m in...he gave up his kinship as well as frenship.. juz for a relationship...

not many ppl know tt he is gone frm this neighbourhood.. so most of e time after sch or when i head in and out of home... phobia of nosy neighbours askin "wad happened to ur bro? how come i don see him ard anymore?".. it feels like a thousand darts came passin thru me... thou now if u ask me.. i may say i don know and i don wanna know... but deep down inside.. he still somewhere... as tt day.. he came bk packin.. arguin and accusin my sis juz like a police askin criminal.. it outrage me... i wonder if he eva felt tired of runnin away? a yr.. say not long.. its a lie... its been slowly drainin every ounce of energy and will of me to move on... every nite.. i can almost hear cries comin out frm mum and sis.. prayin tt one day.. this family will b a whole... a small bubble of hope is form.. whether it burst to turth.. i don know...i sank into a shallow sleep.. and dreamt of e impossible...

life is always unpredictable as all say... mine is pretty much predictable... well.. not like i got e fingers to count out how much lifespan i hav left and tt... its juz... well.. i don know how 2 say it here...i guess i m tryin to numb myself off frm all these thots and pain juz by plain dazin... losin control is not an option... but a strong mind to overcome tt...

i guess i been on my own too long.... i juz wanna find somewhere or someone tt i can lean on to rest a while.. b4 pickin myself up.. but e fear of over leanin is there.. i wanna b strong.. but its juz too much to bear.. it somehow begin to consume me slowly...

well.. i betta try get some rest..its alr 3.30am in e mornin... sleepless nite has been on-goin.. only way to sleep... stare at e module book and try shuttin my eyes...

~~AND I DON WAN THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE ME... cuz.. i wanna hide and lean to get some rest....~~

all out....